Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Continuance

Stuck in limbo
Caught in between
So much legalese
I don't know what it means.

My BP is rising
Anger is spiking
Hopes are dashed
Emotions splashed

I'm so disheartened
Feels like no one cares about my plight
my futile disgusting one woman fight

So much of my life feels at stake
Lady Justice is not only blind
but on a prolonged coffee break.

My Grandmother's Quilt

I automatically reach for my quilt every morning when I wake up. To ward off the coolness of the morning I cover my shoulders for a few more minutes. The quilt gives me physical and emotional comfort that no other covering can. As I feel its softness and the worn pieces of material that hold it together, I always think of the love that was put into making it. Every morning it's like I get a hug from someone that loves me.

You see the quilt was made expressly for me by my grandmother when I graduated from college. She brought it all the way to Knoxville from Big Rock, Tennessee. I remember her handing me the bulky package to unwrap and although I knew what was inside I was surprised when I opened it and saw how beautiful it was. So many quilt pieces and so many sweet stories from the clothes that made the blocks upon blocks of my quilt.

It would have been a surprise, but during one weekend visit my grandfather swore my to secrecy and tiptoed into the room and pulled back of sheet and my quilt was revealed. He grinned sheepishly, I think he even giggled mischeviously - loving that he let the cat out of the bag and that I was so thrilled. It wasn't until years after he had died that I told my grandmother that story. She loved hearing about his trick and she smiled and called him a rascal. Just another piece of the quilt that made it so special.

I have slept under the quilt now for 17 years. Sometimes when I'm away from home I just don't rest as easy without it covering me. The weight of the materials against by body is perfect. When I fled my marital home in fear, it was the only possession besides my contact case and solution that I took with me. I slept through many restless nights in the days, weeks and months that followed but the quilt gave me a comfort that nothing else could.

Today, I treat it gingerly. I spot clean it. Each morning I fold it up carefully and put it on the cedar chest at the foot of my bed. I reach for it everynight when I finally decide to let go of the day and lay down. Some of the quilt pieces are loose and the edges are becoming frayed. I probably should have taken better care of it and appreciated it more.

A few months ago, I realized that the quilt had become fragile like my grandmother. It's not holding up as good as it used to but I do what I can to piece it back together. The maker of this beautiful quilt has suffered a stroke and heart attack in the past weeks and we had to make the painful decision to move her into a long term care facility. She has a few items in her room, remembrances of her family to give her comfort, but nothing as special as the quilt she made for me.

Every weekend when I change my bedding I examine my quilt and I notice a little bit more wear and tear, a few more pieces trying to break free and wonder how much longer it will last. Every time I visit Grandmother, she's a little bit more confused. She's always happy that I'm there and I always make sure I take the time to just sit with her and hold her hand, and I'm always comforted by her warm and loving touch.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Andrew's Bald (elevation 5860 feet)

The day I spent hiking up to Andrews Bald was one of the best days of my life. How could I consider this short hike in The Great Smoky Mtns. National Park one of the greatest days of my life and place it on my personal best list? It's wasn't a momentous occasion like the birth of a child or a wedding or a job celebration or even finishing a marathon. Just simply a day spent in the quiet company of a good friend in a place with the most spectacular views.

Have you ever had a day that you would like to relive? Do it over to make the memory last? I haven't gone back to this trail but I think about it, and the day spent on it, often.

We both needed a break from school and had made a last minute decision to go to the mountains for the day. We entered the park and drove by the Sugarlands Visitor Center. As we headed up the mountain we cruised by the visual landmarks - The Chimneys, Mt. LeConte, Newfound Gap - we had briefly discussed hiking to Alum Cave Bluffs, but decided to head as high as we could and see what we could find.

We found the trail leading from Clingman's Dome on a lazy fall day. The mist that normally surrounds Clingman's Dome eluded us here. The Red Spruce and Fraser Firs that lined the trail and ringed the bald artfully framed the bottom of the beautiful vista. The trail was relatively easy - a four mile round trip hike - two miles in we came what I can best describe as a meadow on a mountain top. Not rough or rugged but grassy and smooth - no trees that blocked the views of Fontana Lake and the North Carolina mountain range that faced us. The day was sunny, the wind was light & both gently brushed our faces.

We didn't talk about anything earth shattering rather I think we were both aware that my friend was graduating the following spring and we both knew that our joined paths would soon branch away from each other. We talked about nothing in particular. At times we sat in silence and just took in the view. We pointed out things the other didn't notice. For a while we sat back to back propping each other up. I looked at the wildflowers and wondered how this place existed without my prior knowledge to this day? It was so beautiful. I soaked up my Vitamin D quotient for the rest of the year.

I don't know why I get so nostalgic when I think of the day. Maybe it represents the transition my life was getting ready to take. Maybe it just simply represents the happiness that I was experiencing in my life.

Andrews Bald is definitely one of my "Wide Open Spaces" - a place in the clouds / a foundation of stone / But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed.

In my journey to find the pieces of myself I have lost - I'm finding comfort in returning to the places I have loved the most. The beach - the mountains - old friends I have lost touch with - letting new friends into my life. If I could relive that day - I would pay more attention to the path that led me to the meadow - the stones I stepped on - the protectiveness of the trees. And I would have opened my eyes wider to path that led me away from this mountain top that I have always loved.

Andrews Bald - elevation 5860 feet - the memory of this day helps me to revisit the elevations of my life and find the simple girl who I used to be.