Laying My Burdens Down

Lately I have been experiencing a lot of inner turmoil. About my place in the world, the lack of a relationship, parenting alone, financial stress and the upheaval in my work life; all these things have resulted in massively diminished confidence in myself. Recently, I went through my Senior Book from high school with my daughter and I silently anguised inside when I read all the graduation cards I had saved. The givers had seen something in me then that I no longer have - the potential that I've never lived up to and it crushed me to think I had let them down.

I've been carrying a lot, a lot of unhealthy anger inside. Where do I put it? How do I turn it over to God and let it go? Somedays it feels like every single thing I have tried to accomplish I get feedback that I do incorrectly or get criticism for it. There is so much negativity in my workplace that its toxic for my Polly Positive soul. One of my friends and I joked that the Polly part of me has been locked in a closet since March. Maybe that's why I'm so angry.

Last night after working late I started driving home, I was going to change into something more comfortable before picking up the carpool from dance. But when I saw my little house, I just drove straight by and drove straight down Hillsboro Road to see the one person in the world who has always made me feel better no matter what was bothering me. I drove to see my Grandmother.

Her room was quiet and she was dozing. Before I woke her up - I noticed a few things. The horrible sores on her feet had sealed. Her hand that was drawn up was no longer atrophied in a death grip. Her skin was smooth.

I bent down to kiss her and told her that I loved her. When asked if she knew who it was, she immediately said "Sabriner". The past year due to her dementia/atavan state, she couldn't recall my name or see my face, but tonight through His grace, she heard my voice. The tears started falling and wouldn't stop. I told her how much I loved her and missed her. I kissed her soft, smooth hands over and over. I told her that I had no one I could talk to but her. No one could understand. With her eyes closed, she said simply, "tell me." So I knelt by the side of the bed and whispered in her ear and I laid my burdens down. She told me over and over not to cry, to not worry about anything, somehow her always comforting "everything is going to be alright" gave me instant peace.

It was so easy to tell her. Why couldn't I tell Him? Why do I fight it? Why is it so hard to really let go and let God take care of me? My whole life I've always held on to things and been embarrassed to ask anyone for help. Not so much as a sign of weakness, but there have been few people whom I really felt like I could trust and depend on.

My grandparents were always there for me - growing up, through college. After my grandfather died, my bond with Grandmother only grew stronger. She was supportive of my marriage, was at the hospital when her only great-grandchild was born and when my marriage fell apart she was there for me. Her home was our refuge. When I had no home and was living out of a suitcase, I drove to her house and stayed every possible weekend. I was safe there. No one could hurt me. Her house was a place where love lived and was fully dispensed. Her advice came from years of experience. She was the one person I could trust not to gossip or judge me.

Today I feel anxious again, but last night felt so freeing that I had her back. I didn't want to leave her in her hospital bed. I must have kissed her hands a thousand times. As I drove off, it struck me that He was in the room with me too. It was Him who sent me there instead of stopping at my house. He gave me the gift of her saying my name one more time. He allowed me lay my burdens down with the one person who makes me feel safe.