Safe Landings

On the day the unthinkable happened, I watched the news coverage in horror with the rest of the world. However, when I heard that two of planes that had crashed into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon & a field in Pennsylvania were American Airlines, I quietly panicked.

The first night I couldn't sleep. My eyes wouldn't close and I couldn't lie still. On September 12th, I desperately searched the internet and the newspapers and watched CNN for any reports that contained the names of the crew lists of either flight.

I had been walking around my house in a daze masking the near hysteria I felt. I told no one that I had been holding my breath that someone I deeply cared for was not behind the controls on either American Airlines plane.

On the 13th, I walked my dogs at midnight and I made countless deals with God in the dark via endless, quiet prayers for his safety, for his family's love and peace of mind and to please just let him be safe and grounded somewhere. Heat lightning towards the west freaked me out and I had a panic attack in the darkness with only my dogs to calm me down. I came back inside and watched CNN for hours until four in the morning.

The crew lists were published on the 14th and as relieved as I was not to read his name - glad that he was safe, I was also extremely disheartened to read the bios of the pilots who had been taken by surprise that day, because I could tell from what I read that they were good family oriented guys like him.

I wanted to write him a letter and let him know how thankful and relieved I was that he was safe , but I hoped that if I crossed his mind he would know that I felt that way. I didn't write the letter because I have always wanted to respect the boundaries of his marriage and not be intrusive in his life in any way.

Watching the coverage again five years later, I still find myself wondering where he was that morning. Was he on a flight that was unexpectedly brought to the ground? Was he preparing to leave home for a three day trip? Maybe he was off and on a lake somewhere doing what he loves to do best. I knew that he was safe and my panic was unfounded, but it came from a place of caring. How he was effected was my next concern.

It's been disappointing for me to see the profession he chose so radically changed by hurdle after hurdle, flight interrupted because of security breaches. I'm sure he have managed to pull good from this and apply it to what he is doing. Through those dark September days, a few people knew my fears and understood my concerns.

Those people remember when I put my hand in his without hesitation and stepped up in the cockpit of a few Cessna's and flew to the Lakefront Airport in New Orleans, Dothan, Callaway Gardens, BNA, BHM or landed next to the river at Downtown Island Home. I trusted him with my life - completely. Many years have passed, but when I think of flying I immediately associate it with him. Watching him take flight has been one of the greatest privileges in my life.

Every concourse I walk through - Baltimore, Chicago, San Francisco, Minneapolis, Orlando, Nashville, Dallas - I look for him, wondering if one of the guys in uniform carrying a flight bag and wearing the airline pilot cap will be him - hoping that if the guy turns around or if I catch up it will be him.

I know - that just happens in the movies. But in real life we just hope for safe landings.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,

it became a butterfly..."

Anonymous

One on One with Sakhmet

Over the years my sister (personal life coach - everyone should have one) has given me affirmations to say each morning to boost my self-esteem. In the midst of a debilitating child custody suit, my self-esteem hasn't plummeted but it hasn't been totally where it needs to be. So she suggested that I pick out a power symbol to identitify with to get my mind where it needs to be - thinking positive and feeling courageous and strong.

"Pretend that you are a Mama bear", she said to me. "Playful and cuddly, but fericous and fierce when needed".

"That's the problem, I don't feel like a Mama bear." I said, "this situation makes me feel wild and on guard and ready to pounce."

"What kind of image do you see? she asked.

"Oh that's easy" I replied, "I rather feel like a mother lion - on alert, ready to scratch someone's eyes out if they mess with my cub."

So I went online and found some images of lioness' and their cubs and saved one as wallpaper to remind myself everyday of the lioness' role I play in my current life. The photo I found (at right) shows a lioness and cub gazing eye to eye. When I see it each day, I'm reminded of my role as caretaker, coach, protector, teacher, hunter, gatherer, soother, and best of all mother.

It's the best image I could have identified with and it seeing it and being reminded of these multiple roles does give me an inner strength. It's reassuring at best for this weird place I find myself in but it's good to have a hand or toe hold, a spot to anchor myself to and this image is one I have quietly imprinted on my brain.

Once I identified this image, my life coach began telling me about Sakhmet. A fiery and destructive Egyptian goddess associated with war and divine vengeance. Her name means "the Mighty One" and she was depicted as a woman with the head of a lioness. She pointed this out not to focus on the divine vengeance - because we both know that I'm not about that, but rather "the Mighty one, the goddess".

I can identify with Sakhmet's mythical fury. The untruths that have been launched against me has caused an earthquake of emotions from within. But I ask myself "Have I finally gotten to the point of fury?" Some days, yes and some days, no. Sometimes I feel quiet strength and calm. To which this surprises me, because I have never felt a calm like I feel these days. This custody case is my personal battle that not many people know I am fighting. I have elected to not discuss it with my small world, mainly to protect the cub from too many people talking about it.

I do not feel as if I deserve the injustices that have been served upon me, however, divine vengeance will hopefully arrive in the form of not letting this break me down, holding my head up and succeeding in my new life. For me, this would be the best personal victory I could achieve.

My birthday arrived in early July and as a present my other sister (let's call her my life cheerleader and spiritual advisor) took me to the Frist Museum to see the Egypt exhibit "The Quest for Immortality" focusing on the New Kingdom (1550-1069 BCE) through the Late Period (664-332 BCE) and this period marked the beginning of an era of great wealth, power, and stability. This time was also marked by a burst of cultural activity, much of which was devoted to the quest for eternal life.

It didn't encompass the treasures of any of the major dynasties like Ramesses or Tut, but ancient treasures to behold and lessons to learn from them.

Separated from my group, I turned a corner and found myself face to face with Sakhmet. I had no idea she would be there as part of the exhibit and my first reaction was to stand back and get a good look at her. I had to smile. She looked so pleasant and regal sitting on her throne, hardly the venomous goddess metting out divine punishment and destruction on Ra's enemies.

It was a nice birthday surprise to be one-on-one in museum with your personal power symbol. Did the smile I found myself wearing mean that I identified with the calm and pleasant mask she wore? Can I really fool the world with this calm persona that masks the hurt, disbelief and anger I've been feeling inside?

One on one with Sakhmet - not a bad way to spend a hot birthday afternoon - inside a dark cool museum hoping the Goddess smiles on me with her mighty powers to survive this extremely personal battle I have found myself in the midst of. Walking away from Sakhmet I felt myself walking a little taller and totally identifying with the lioness first who shall ever protect her cub and Sakhmet second, the mighty one because the power I misplaced is coming back to me.