This summer I took a giant leap of faith in myself and applied for graduate school. For fear that I wouldn't get accepted I told no one what I was attempting. I did a serious self-evaluation in writing my personal statement, acquired my recommendation letters and closed my eyes when viewing my long forgotten transcript and GPA from my undergradute days. Still unsure of myself, I dusted off my portfolio from all my acquired work from the past 18 years, remembered the tips from my mock interview with my sister and went to an interview with the Dean of the program.Two weeks of holding my breath later, I GOT AN ACCEPTANCE LETTER via email! I was schocked beyond belief and weak with relief. Before I would not have had any doubt of my abilities, but my shaky confidence wouldn't allow me to get my hopes up.
My undergraduate experience was some of the best four years of my life. I now found myself wondering what I had gotten myself into? At my first orientation for graduate students, I felt like quite the granny compared to some of the young kids sitting around me who weren't born until the (gasp!) 1980s. When my first paper was due, I discovered that I had forgotten the MLA rules of style and had to ask an 80s baby to refresh my clouded memory. Mrs. Estes, my AP English teacher from McGavock, would be appalled if she knew of my lapse in MLA brain cells.
Combining classes and work make for some long days and nights for me - but I know the end result will be worth it. This experience has already worked wonders for my battered self-confidence. I know that going after this degree would not have been an option for me in my former married life and I remind myself each time I walk to class what a privilege this is to take part in. More importantly, I feel like an important member of the community I find amongst and I didn't realize how much I needed to belong to something like this. My goal of obtaining this master's degree has given me a new purpose - one that I will be proud to accomplish.
The one night away a week is probably hardest on my daughter. When I first told her I was going back to school and it was going to take me three years to complete my degree this way, she burst into tears. "Mommy, you are leaving me for three years?" She interpreted it to mean I was leaving her behind literally going away to college. I quickly explained that this was not the case. "Why do you have to go back to school?" she asked. And I found myself evaluating my personal statement once again in a way to explain it to my seven year old.
Basically, I just told her that no matter how old you are learning never ends. I wasn't content to just read books on my own - that I wanted to study, examine, discuss things, be challenged and earn a higher degree for myself. I'm doing this for us, I told her, so I can get a better job and be a better person, a good example for her. Where this landed in her comprehension I'm not sure, but she loves that I have homework too, assigned readings and papers and research on the internet and was eager to see my "report card" at the end of the semester. I try to do my homework when she is doing her assignments.
Over the years, my reading has saved me - it has let me escape and taken me to places that I will never see. Already my graduate student experience has given me so much - courage to believe in my abilities again, finding my voice to express my opinion amongst other learners and realize that it counts.
During my interview with the Dean I told him - that if I were accepted that I would complete the program, because I always start what I finish and that was my sincere intention. This isn't only a quest for knowledge and accomplishment or a piece of paper to hang on the wall - it represents so much more for me at this point in my life.
My daughter came home one day with a new rhyme she learned on the playground it goes something like this... "Girls go to college to get more knowledge ... Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider". I wince when I hear this last part from growing up in a household where we were not allowed to say anyone was stupid or dumb it pains me to hear the latter part of this phrase repeated. The former president of Harvard, Lawrence Summers, would definitely debate me on the merits of the statement as well. But I love the first part - Girls go to college to get more knowledge. I can only hope and dream my daughter will follow in these footsteps - I've learned in my life that it's truly not about the destination, but the journey that leads you there.
