Throw in a Little Hope for Good Measure

"Don't you see, Hook? You will never win. Not as long as there's faith, trust, and pixie dust."

-- Jane, Return to Neverland

Is it the lack of sunlight touching my face? Or is it the January doldrums? For whatever reason I have hit the negative wall face first. I feel so much anxiety I could scream silently in the midst of this cube farm I sit in each day. I trolled through my pictures looking for something to bring me up into the blue and I found this photo I took in the Smokies at Elkmont Campground - a monarch butterfly about to take flight.

This week my daughter got sick - nothing serious - but enough to warrant being home and resting for a few days. When I returned to work - I felt like the worst mom ever. Why is it when she gets sick do I feel like a failure as a mom? It's not that I can't protect her from catching a germ. It's that I feel so alone - really like KK and me against the world - I have help and I have support and my girlfriends all call to check on her, but when you are up at 4:00am and you cannot go back to sleep for fear you will sleep through your alarm - it is so isolating.

I've been called a Pollyanna - sometimes it makes me smile and be happy that I can gloss through life without being bogged down and other times it makes me angry that someone would make fun of me for that. Maybe the Lost Boys of Neverland have got something there...Maybe being Pollyanna is how I have survived - it's hard for me to hear negative things - it stresses me out. I have to put it out of my mind like a child putting her hands over her ears for things she doesn't want to hear.

The past few days have been hard - I've beat up A LOT on myself for my failings in life - and today I can't shake it - I've simply prayed for God to put his arms around us both and provide his guidance and protection - that simple faith is all that has given me hope today - and if pixie dust works - I wish someone would sprinkle some of that on me too.

Good Tidings

fortune(fôr'chen)

noun

1.
a. The chance happening of fortunate or adverse events; luck.
b. fortune(s) The turns of luck in the course of one's life.
c. Success, especially when at least partially resulting from luck.

2.
a. Fate; destiny: told my fortune with tarot cards.
b. A foretelling of one's destiny.

Someone tossed me a fortune cookie today and hidden inside was this lovely message. I jumped on the good tidings it brought to me. It could mean many things - a new friend, boyfriend, co-worker - instead of jump to conclusions I'm just going to keep it in my pocket - think positive and see who the relationship brings to my acquaintance.

For full disclosure - I got this fortune too - but it didn't get my hopes up quite like the one above - but it did make me giggle.

It's like totally Scrabulous!

So a friend on Facebook got me hooked on this online scrabble game and I'm totally hooked. It's highly addictive. I can totally understand how people get hooked onto the online betting schemes; however, scrabble is so not worth losing cold, hard $$ over. I haven't been into a computer game like since I played Tetris on a Mac during lunch break while working at DuPont as a technical writer. It's fun - try it- I may even be gaining back some lost brain cells that have been obliterated through parenthood. It's Scrabulous. I actually feel intelligent again. Who knew scrabble could be so fun??!!??

My Must See TV

My TV viewing habits - PBS, Reality, High School Drama, Comedy - What does this say about me?

Sunday - Masterpiece Theatre - The Complete Jane Austen - Masterpiece Theatre - always a favorite since my days working Master Control at a local PBS station. But now to celebrate my favorite writer with her own series. My heart is happy on Sunday nights.

Monday - Nothing There is nothing I MUST see on Monday nights - I would rather read but this semester I will be finishing my reading assignments on Monday evenings for my Tuesday evening class.

Tuesday - The Real Housewives of Orange County This show is almost like watching a trainwreck but I can't look away. Now after 3 season I even care about what happens to some of them. It's fun to see how the other half lives and see that reality underscores money not being able to buy your happiness.

Wednesday - Project Runway 4 - This is one reality show where you actually have to have mad skills to advance. No America voted, but really talented judges who do have something to say. For me it's not even about the fashion - it's being wowed by the creativity that walks down the runway. My mom used to sew everything for us - we had the most beautiful clothes you could imagine all for under $1.99.

Thursday - ER - I love this show. Period. Abby. Luca. Pratt. Nuff said.

Friday - Friday Night Lights - Great acting by all involved. Riggins, Coach Eric, his wife, these characters remind me of people who really do exist and live for the big lights on Friday Night.

Saturday - Saturday Night Live (if I can stay awake) - when I was a little girl I got to stay awake for the opening scene and a few following skits with my sister Dawn and her boyfriend Billy, I thought I was a big shot. I saw the Killer Bees, Rosanne Roseanna Danna up close and personal. This show will always be special because of that memory.

I Lost My Man, Cause I'm a Titans Fan (Inspired by a true story)

When we started dating
You could find him in the front row.
He escorted me every week to O'Charley's
So I could attend the Jeff Fisher Show.

To win my hand he became a fan too.
He learned all the plays.
He wore Titans merchandise proudly.
And He never missed a game.

But I quickly found out it was only a ruse.
So he could win my heart.
He found out that he was at the end of the line.
Of Vince, Kyle, and Keith whose stats I could impart.

Chorus:

He bought me a headset so I could listen
To Mike Keith pre, during and post game.
But he drew the line on Wednesdays
When I listened to 104.5 the Zone and John McClain.

Yes, I lost my Man, `Cause I'm a Tennessee Titans Fan.

He only lasted through two seasons.

He began grumbling on the Titans shuttle.

He lost his spark and soon.

His high step faded from doing the Cupid Shuffle.

No one comes between me and the Titans
I thought as I watch Coach Fisher with glee.

I love seeing the players expressions.

Through the binoculars my ex-boyfriend gave me.

Our love affair ended last January.

He packed up and moved away.

We might still be together.

But I tune in to Plaster, Willy and Darren every day.

Chorus:
He bought me a headset so I could listen
To Mike Keith pre, during and post game.
But he drew the line on Wednesdays
When I listened to 104.5 the Zone and John McClain.
Yes, I lost my Man, `Cause I'm a Tennessee Titans Fan.

I wrote this song in honor of mom, Linda "Jazzy" Langley - a huge Tennessee Titans fan, whose boyfriend upon breaking up with her - gave her love of the game and the Titans as one of the reasons for the break-up - before he moved out of state. He also couldn't believe that she - "A woman" would listen to sports talk radio "every day."

What a waste of a whole season of tickets taking HIM to the game.