"Don't you see, Hook? You will never win. Not as long as there's faith, trust, and pixie dust."
-- Jane, Return to Neverland
Is it the lack of sunlight touching my face? Or is it the January doldrums? For whatever reason I have hit the negative wall face first. I feel so much anxiety I could scream silently in the midst of this cube farm I sit in each day. I trolled through my pictures looking for something to bring me up into the blue and I found this photo I took in the Smokies at Elkmont Campground - a monarch butterfly about to take flight.
This week my daughter got sick - nothing serious - but enough to warrant being home and resting for a few days. When I returned to work - I felt like the worst mom ever. Why is it when she gets sick do I feel like a failure as a mom? It's not that I can't protect her from catching a germ. It's that I feel so alone - really like KK and me against the world - I have help and I have support and my girlfriends all call to check on her, but when you are up at 4:00am and you cannot go back to sleep for fear you will sleep through your alarm - it is so isolating.
I've been called a Pollyanna - sometimes it makes me smile and be happy that I can gloss through life without being bogged down and other times it makes me angry that someone would make fun of me for that. Maybe the Lost Boys of Neverland have got something there...Maybe being Pollyanna is how I have survived - it's hard for me to hear negative things - it stresses me out. I have to put it out of my mind like a child putting her hands over her ears for things she doesn't want to hear.
The past few days have been hard - I've beat up A LOT on myself for my failings in life - and today I can't shake it - I've simply prayed for God to put his arms around us both and provide his guidance and protection - that simple faith is all that has given me hope today - and if pixie dust works - I wish someone would sprinkle some of that on me too.
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