Tough Enough!

X is coming into town and I need to have a pep talk with myself. I'm feeling these impercieved slights from everyone - but probably just feeling vulnerable I guess. My psyche loves to play tricks on me in a self-help effort to toughen it's exterior up.

Let's see ... how many lobs have I dodged since Saturday - 3 or is it 4 now at my last count? Funny thing is they have no idea that the pebbles of conversation tossed my way turned into heavy boulders before I caught them.

I guess everyone thinks I'm no longer this fragile shell of a person walking around and can handle life and whatever punches - high or low that come my way. So that's a good thing. Some of them are totally unintentional. Some of them are friends I respect who have the best intentions but have perhaps not lived through anything truly challenging yet and have no idea. I'm glad for them.

One friend choked back on her words about how a weird roommate we shared came from a "broken" home - I could see she could tell she stepped in it. Another much respected friend said that his nephew was the "success story of the family" because he had done so well for himself in his undergraduate studies and college recruitment in spite of his parents' divorce. I felt like the success was not in overcoming his father's marital strife, but in believing in himself. Their divorce really had nothing to do with it - he's a very smart kid.

The ones that hurt the most are from those whom I'm going to name-call as judgmental and hold a much over-elevated level of self-importance. I would love to tell them to get down off their f**king high horses and get over themselves. I have to ignore those comments to get through the humilation, maybe I'm stronger than I think, but how I would love to revert to my old juvenile tricks and knee jerk react to them and tell them off. Say things like "If I wanted to continue to be made to feel bad about myself and feel like a loser I would have remained married to X." I can't say it outloud to them, but I can write it down here and get it off my chest. Do I feel better? No, well maybe a little.

Why, when I'm criticized, does it always come down to me doubting my self-worth? That feeling of not being good enough for anyone.

It's a good place to be in that I can recognize this, confront it and try to deal with it; however, my inner dialogue will not shut up in this conversation with myself. I know that I'm tough enough, I have proved it to myself and to everyone around me.