The Musicians In Me

After working on a presentation for my "Music, Gender and Sexuality" course and breaching my own "is nothing sacred" cry (after some beloved composers and songs were presented to me in a different light ...and even beloved fairy tales dissected and showcased in a way that was shocking to me) I am working on my final presentation.

After this course, I have been enlightened, embarrassed, labelled a Pollyanna by a friend in class, and shocked. So I'm borrowing from the title of a song in the movie "You are the Music in Me" and composing my own little diddy... it goes something like this.

The Musicians in Me

Boston, Donna Summer, The Eagles
and Frampton Comes Alive
the music of my older sisters
became by 70s vibe.

In the early 80s it was Prince, The Gloved One,
Duran Duran and Loverboy,
Adam Ant in concert, Culture Club, REM,
our Material Girl slash Boy Toy.

Androgynous Annie became a Diva in the 90s
Springsteen, Bon Jovi and Aerosmith kept on rockin'
Garth became Chris Gaines, Nirvana gave us Grunge
and the college kids started moshing.

At the millenium, the Boy Bands faltered,
the Spice Girls lost their Grrrll Power
The Metal Bands joined AARP, rehabbed
and went on another Farewell Tour.

After taking this class now I ask myself?

• Will a gender bender make it to the American Idol stage? (they already have)
• Will Britney get her shit together and once again be all the rage? (probably not)
• Scissor sisters as a position? Am I really that naive? (yes!)
• And, what does it mean if I fancy the Sinatra-like swing of crooner Michael Buble?
• I sit in church and wonder what would the elders think if they knew Messiah's Handel was gay? (not too much probably)
• And finally, through caring about all this I wonder...does it chip my newfound radical feminism away?

My iTunes are my secret
But I'll listen to the musicians in me more carefully now
I've been enlightened, empowered, labelled a Pollyanna
and all I can say after taking this course -WOW!

A Final Step in Setting Myself Free

I just told a very close friend this morning that until she ends a floundering relationship that she will never be open to accepting a new one. She agreed, we said our goodbyes, I hung up and didn't think another thing of it.

As I trolled through my daily work of gathering and collecting news and announcements from med schools & centers across the country I came across the sweetest story: Two Dogs Spend 26 Days With Owner Who Died In The Wilderness and immediately thought of the person who I wanted to share it with.

So I took a deep breath, googled his email on the internet, put his address in the TO: box, wrote a brief note and clicked the Send button.

In sending it I discovered the biggest feeling of relief that washed over me. Why had I been afraid of sending an email to a terrific guy that I had shared so many wonderful moments and memories (of a special dog too!) with? We have both moved on with our lives - married other people, had the careers we planned on?? Was I afraid of being rejected again? I think so.

But I was able to send this before all that other stuff in the thought process got in the way. The words I told my close friend this morning came back to me albeit a tad differently. I haven't pined for this sweetheart since my divorce, while maybe I have, and I didn't unrealisticly think that he would come back and rescue me from my divorce distress but perhaps someone like him. Of course I wonder if I cross his mind? Isn't that normal?

Over the years, I've walked on many a beach and thrown countless but invisible good-bye messages in a bottle to this man, hoping to let that part of my heart go... . I have not been able to do so successfully.

But this morning, by clicking send - I confronted what I was afraid of with a friendly hi (after 15 years but who's counting?) and I'm gleefully discovering that I alone held the power to set myself FREE!!

Waking Up

Every morning when my erratic alarm clock starts it's annoying beeping sound, I wake up half exhausted from the dreams that filled my slumber. I have envisioned emails where I could see the names in the sent box, seen colors so vivid in the darkness of my dreams and heard voices that I still trembled upon hearing.

For the past two months, it's been either a technicolor nightmare of relationships past or psychadelic mindtrip of crazy classroom assignments of dressing like a punk rocker or outrageous conversations that I'm having with people.

In the quiet of my day, I silently snicker to myself that no one in my office has any idea of how I spend my nights.

What has awakened inside of me? Is it me finally breaking away and moving forward? Dare I type it outloud? I feel happy most of the time!! Could it be "the big D" is finally behind me? Let me pinch myself and make sure? But it's true - I'm starting to feel alive again.

If I'm lucky maybe it will catch on to all aspects of my life.